My desires for men were not really accessible to me. I had a couple of girlfriends and I was attracted to them.
I could easily access my emotions for them. Indeed, I actively fed my curiosities for girls, while I starved my curiosities for boys. But after externalizing the label, I felt a freedom to finally let myself explore these thoughts and desires buried deep in my brain. That moment was the closest I ever had to coming out. Queerness was somehow always attached to me and after that day I decided to stop denying it. Yes, I did have crushes on other boys in my class, and I didn’t want to feel ashamed for it anymore. It’s taken me years to realize that something really precious was taken away from me: a curiosity about myself.
